Results are in...

Our baby was a little girl. And to top that, she was chromosomally normal. What?! Basically was my response. I guess I had just settled on the fact that there was something chromosomally wrong. so now what? Why did I lose her? We may never know. Everyone is telling me not to... but right now I feel like it is all my fault. Why did she die? Was it my body that killed her?

I keep trying to tell myself there is good news in there too.... we can have a chromosomally normal baby! I need to try and hold on to that. So maybe there is hope that our FET (frozen embryo transfer) will be successful.

I have an appointment next week (5/5//10) with Dr S. to discuss next steps and all that good stuff. I'm praying she thinks we have a shot still.

I'm still here....

I know I haven't been posting... honestly I really haven't done much talking on the phone either. Friday was rough... Saturday and Sunday I think I was just numb. I tried not to think much.

Monday the 12th was the D&C. Everything went like it was supposed to. They said I didn't have any problems with the anethesia (which is always a good thing when you have Mastocytosis (excess mast cells which can cause allergic reactions basically).

I asked how long the pathology report will take to get back... a very long 6-8 weeks. In the meantime I am going to call the insurance company to see if they will cover a Karyotype test on David. That is just a blood test to see if he has any obvious genetic issues. That only takes 2 weeks to come back... course he won't be home from his business trip until next Wednesday.

After the karyotype results come back then we will have a visit with the Dr to discuss FET (frozen embryo transfer). It definitely is not as big an ordeal as a fresh IVF. Basically I just have to take estrogen and progesterone to make sure my lining is ready for implantation.

Right now I am planning on the FET being the last time we try to conceive. I can't keep going through all of this. 10 losses in 3 years has just brought me to my breaking point. (12 losses total).

I also will not put any expectations out there for the FET... why should I. They weren't sure about our 3 precious embryo's on day 3 when they were fresh (these were the 10, 13 & 14 cell embies). They normally only see an embryo up to 10 cells max on day 3... I have even tried looking online and can't really find anything about 13 and 14 cell embies on day 3. So even though they did make it to blast stage on day 5 (which for a normal embryo is a really good thing)... we honestly don't know the true health of these embryo's. Only time will tell. So while I am hoping these 3 little embryo's will finally give us a healthy baby we can bring home and hold in our arms. Right now I'm too scared to expect too much...

Sad Day

I went for my 8w3d ultrasound today. Unfortunately our baby's heartbeat stopped sometime this last week. Hard to say when of course. There was barely any growth in the last week. The plan is to do a d&c on Monday and they will test the tissue to see if they can come up with an answer as to why this has happened.

I wish I was as resilient as Brianna is. She was in the room at the beginning of the ultrasound... the tech seemed to be having a hard time getting a good picture. I could tell something wasn't quite right. Plus I didn't see the little flickering of a heartbeat. I sent Brianna out to the waiting room as the tech went to get a different "probe". Course she came back with my Dr who tried again. When I had Brianna come in so I could tell her the baby had passed, I asked her how she felt about it. She just plainly said, "well it happens all the time". No tears, nothing. I wish I could respond that way.

I came home and rested for a couple of hours. I feel so empty now. David keeps saying well we still have hope, we have our 3 frozen embies. I can't even think about that right now. Granted I know I will transfer them... how could I not. But will I have hope? I don't know. I know I probably will have very little expectations. And after the 3 frozen embryo's... at this point I am willing to say that will be our last chance. I do not think I can put myself through another Fresh IVF cycle again. I guess time will tell.

Thank you to all my friends for all the wonderful comments I have received on FB and text message today. They really mean a lot to me and let me know that I have friends who truly care.

7w3d

Had our 7w3d ultrasound today! Baby has grown and has a stronger heartbeat. The heartbeat is measuring 131 beats per minute. course it wasn't the normal tech so the girl that was doing it wasn't sure how to measure it on the new machine. She had to go get 2 other girls to help her! Then she freaked me out because the first time she measured the baby she did it when the pic was tiny... she came up with 6w3d. The next time, she blew the pic up a bit and remeasured... she got 6w7d ( or 7 weeks!). 7 weeks is only 3 days off so I am happy (my Dr is telling me to be!! )

They are also letting me come back every week until I see my OB. :) So I'm definitely going back next Friday. I just dont' know if I could go 2 weeks now without seeing the little peanut. I will be so happy when the first Trimester is over!!

Other than that, I'm still tired. Some days are definitely worse than others. The nausea comes in waves as well. Some days are really bad and other's like today aren't. I think I was just too preoccupied to think about it today.

6w3d

We had our 6w3d ultrasound today. We saw a heartbeat!!!! The heartbeat measured 110 bpm. It was so tiny but I was able to see it flickering away on the screen. According to the tech's measurements the baby is measuring 5w6d. I was concerned about the difference in the dates... but my Dr isn't. She said she isn't worried at all. We have growth and a heartbeat so she is ecstatic. I asked her if my risk of miscarriage goes down now and she said most definitely yes. She said before seeing a heartbeat a normal person's risk of miscarriage is 30%. After seeing the heartbeat it drops to 5%. So please please please let me be in the 95% group and have a healthy baby!!


And now the pictures...

Less than 2 days to go!

Title says it all.... less than 2 days until I go for my ultrasound. I have had a very hard time keeping my eyes open today. At least I get to sleep in a little bit on Friday.

Other than that I have just been passing the time. Brianna had dance last night so that kept me busy (their costumes arrived for tap class for the annual recital! so cute!). I was going to go to the HOA meeting tonight but I forgot to buy some Black dress shoes for Brianna Monday night when we went shopping (for her Orchestra concert tomorrow night) so now we have to go shopping again. Hmmm maybe that's prego brain kicking in!!

So see not much to blog about lately. LOL. Oh I have had 2 baby girl dreams the last 2 nights! The first one was about twin baby girls. I had named them Georgia and Dehlila. Last night it was one baby girl and I had named her Leigha. Wonder if my subconscious will throw any more name suggestions out there!!

5w5d

Just a quick update to say everything seems ok. The spotting stopped Friday night. Thankfully!! I was so scared on Friday. I've been trying to take it easy all weekend and have been drinking lots of water! I am definitely looking forward to my ultrasound on Friday! I am praying hard we see the heartbeat and that this little one has grown by leaps and bounds!