Nothing much going on... These 5 weeks of BCP seem to be lasting forever!! I did talk to my IVF nurse the other day... I wanted to find out whether they were going to up my schedule 2 days since AF had arrived 2 days early. Nope, no go. So that just prolongs everything by 2 days! I know 2 days is normally nothing...
I also found out my RE is out of the office!! UGH! They said she should be back the 2nd or 3rd week of September. Considering my transfer is set for 9/15 I'm really hoping she is back by then. I know all the other Dr's are qualified... I just love my Dr's bedside manner. She always makes me feel comfortable. Plus she knows me. Part of me actually wants to delay it until she gets back. The other part is just like, well anyone can stick the catheter in and transfer the embryo's.
Good news is I've lost 2 1/2 inches in my waist from all the working out! I don't remember all the other reductions for the other body areas.
It's so quiet today...Bri is at a sleepover and has another one tonight. She is trying to get them all in before school starts. :)
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Some of my dreams....
I guess I have really been thinking about the FET lately even though I have TRIED not to. I had a dream last night that tells me I am still really worried about another loss too.
First off in the dream... one of my sister's was pregnant (as far as I know all the husbands have that prevention covered). In my dream I was jealous and saying how I wished it was me. Next thing I knew I was prepping for the FET... low and behold they do a beta for some reason and it comes back at 36 so the FET is cancelled. My alarm went off then so I could wake up DH and get him off to work. I told him about the dream and then went back to sleep. It pretty much picked up where it left off. In the dream I had a m/c (chemical pregnancy). So we got to start prepping for the FET again.
Now if I end up pregnant before the FET there is something wrong with these BCP!! I am definitely taking them faithfully!
I have had a lot of dreams while TTC. I've had a lot of dreams where I saw a positive pregnancy test (and ended up pregnant that cycle). I've had dreams of baby girls... of twins, of baby boy, of miscarriages. You name it I have probably had a dream about it. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't seem so real.
First off in the dream... one of my sister's was pregnant (as far as I know all the husbands have that prevention covered). In my dream I was jealous and saying how I wished it was me. Next thing I knew I was prepping for the FET... low and behold they do a beta for some reason and it comes back at 36 so the FET is cancelled. My alarm went off then so I could wake up DH and get him off to work. I told him about the dream and then went back to sleep. It pretty much picked up where it left off. In the dream I had a m/c (chemical pregnancy). So we got to start prepping for the FET again.
Now if I end up pregnant before the FET there is something wrong with these BCP!! I am definitely taking them faithfully!
I have had a lot of dreams while TTC. I've had a lot of dreams where I saw a positive pregnancy test (and ended up pregnant that cycle). I've had dreams of baby girls... of twins, of baby boy, of miscarriages. You name it I have probably had a dream about it. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't seem so real.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
My life, My only living daughter
Just wanting to share some photos of my 11 1/2 year old daughter. I'm so lucky to have her. I don't know what I would do without her in my life. I took these yesterday when we were visiting some friends on an Army base. She loves playing on their climbing ropes, walls etc.
(She is the one who name our last little girl we lost, Sarah).
(She is the one who name our last little girl we lost, Sarah).
Slowly passing by....
Time that is. Currently I think I am on CD 15 of the BCP. I try not to watch the days too much because I don't want to make the time drag on and on and on .....
But at least 2 weeks of the 5 weeks of BCP are done. I really hate the pills. I always seem to be a little bitchier on them. Never in a cuddly mood either. At least I am still working out. I always seem to gain weight after a miscarriage. I got up to my highest weight ever after this last miscarriage. As of right now I am down 14 pounds since the beginning of June. So at least I am back to the point where I started when we started the fresh IVF process. Now if I can only keep losing until Mid September when we have the FET.
I am still afraid to hope and expect anything at this point. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of being on the 81mg of baby aspirin. Or if it's due to all of the prior losses. What will be.... will be I guess. Hmmm wonder if I can still do Zumba when I get pregnant?
But at least 2 weeks of the 5 weeks of BCP are done. I really hate the pills. I always seem to be a little bitchier on them. Never in a cuddly mood either. At least I am still working out. I always seem to gain weight after a miscarriage. I got up to my highest weight ever after this last miscarriage. As of right now I am down 14 pounds since the beginning of June. So at least I am back to the point where I started when we started the fresh IVF process. Now if I can only keep losing until Mid September when we have the FET.
I am still afraid to hope and expect anything at this point. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of being on the 81mg of baby aspirin. Or if it's due to all of the prior losses. What will be.... will be I guess. Hmmm wonder if I can still do Zumba when I get pregnant?
Saturday, July 17, 2010
7/17/2010 CD1
Starting BCP today for our FET! Seems like such a long time ago now that we lost Sarah, really it was only about 3 months ago. I feel so much older now. I worry about what if the FET doesn't take... we did say this was our last shot at TTC. What if it DOES take and all of the embryo's implant? What if the same scenario happens as last time, 1 implants and we m/c again? So many what if's. If only I had a crystal ball to help me make all my decisions.
The decision I'm trying to make right now, is do I stay on the Baby aspirin? Every time I have been on a baby aspirin regime I have never gotten pregnant. And for someone who gets pregnant just about every time trying... makes me really wonder if the baby aspirin is waking up my mast cells and causing issues. I have a couple weeks to make up my mind I guess. .. Maybe go off for a little bit, let the baby implant and then start the baby aspirin again to prevent clots? Maybe a suggestion I can bring up.
Wow, a little less than 2 months and I will have embryo's in my uterus again.
The decision I'm trying to make right now, is do I stay on the Baby aspirin? Every time I have been on a baby aspirin regime I have never gotten pregnant. And for someone who gets pregnant just about every time trying... makes me really wonder if the baby aspirin is waking up my mast cells and causing issues. I have a couple weeks to make up my mind I guess. .. Maybe go off for a little bit, let the baby implant and then start the baby aspirin again to prevent clots? Maybe a suggestion I can bring up.
Wow, a little less than 2 months and I will have embryo's in my uterus again.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
I feel this way too
I was reading a blog of a girl I know online... she, unfortunately, has had to deal with miscarriages as well. She posted this today and I know how she feels. I feel exactly the same way.
"My experience with conception has gone from passionate nights of emotional and physical intimacy with the man of my dreams to simply viewing my reproductive system as a laboratory test tube. It belongs to doctors who poke, prod, measure and calculate me constantly. My days are measured by what doctor needs to examine me, which pills I will be inserting into which part of my body, or what dose of stinging medication I will be plunging into my abused belly fat. My chances of motherhood do not lie in the dreams of a night of lovemaking, they are measured by dark burgundy blood that is drawn by sterilized needles in sterilized labs, by bruises and band-aids and phone calls. "
It would be so nice to go back to the innocence of 3-4 years ago... thinking that the moment I saw 2 lines I had a good chance of bringing home a baby. ( I say a good chance only because of the 2 miscarriages I had before Brianna). 3 1/2 years ago I was thinking it was unlikely another miscarriage would happen again.
"My experience with conception has gone from passionate nights of emotional and physical intimacy with the man of my dreams to simply viewing my reproductive system as a laboratory test tube. It belongs to doctors who poke, prod, measure and calculate me constantly. My days are measured by what doctor needs to examine me, which pills I will be inserting into which part of my body, or what dose of stinging medication I will be plunging into my abused belly fat. My chances of motherhood do not lie in the dreams of a night of lovemaking, they are measured by dark burgundy blood that is drawn by sterilized needles in sterilized labs, by bruises and band-aids and phone calls. "
It would be so nice to go back to the innocence of 3-4 years ago... thinking that the moment I saw 2 lines I had a good chance of bringing home a baby. ( I say a good chance only because of the 2 miscarriages I had before Brianna). 3 1/2 years ago I was thinking it was unlikely another miscarriage would happen again.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Plugging along.....
Not much going on lately... explains the lack of posting I guess. I'm currently on CD17 of my June cycle. I'm supposed to start BCP with my next AF for our FET.
In the meantime I have been working out. I've started going to Zumba at least 3 days a week. I'm also doing sessions with a personal trainer occasionally. I'm tracking what I eat and so far I have lost 10 pounds. Granted I gained 15 from the start of the Fresh IVF cycle till after we lost Sarah. I would love to lose about 35 pounds total before mid September (when we would have the FET).
Course that all sounds well and good... course knowing my body I hit a roadblock. About 2 weeks ago now I had my first ever Asthma attack while doing Zumba. I didn't even realize that what it was (it was a mild one). My chest felt tight and I was short of breath... it was after hours of course so the next Day I went to the Dr. She said I was definitely wheezing. Well from that point on I just felt like crap up until July 5th. Part of me is wondering if I ended up with pneumonia or something because I got a cold and it felt like it went into my chest. Oh and there was a slight change in my EKG since my physical in January so now I have to have a stress test done on the 14th. I'm supposed to be taking it easy and not doing anything strenuous.... but I have started putting more effort in Zumba again now that I am feeling better. ( I was just walking through the moves for the 2 weeks I didn't feel good).
So that's where I'm at... just working, working out and trying to watch what I eat.
In the meantime I have been working out. I've started going to Zumba at least 3 days a week. I'm also doing sessions with a personal trainer occasionally. I'm tracking what I eat and so far I have lost 10 pounds. Granted I gained 15 from the start of the Fresh IVF cycle till after we lost Sarah. I would love to lose about 35 pounds total before mid September (when we would have the FET).
Course that all sounds well and good... course knowing my body I hit a roadblock. About 2 weeks ago now I had my first ever Asthma attack while doing Zumba. I didn't even realize that what it was (it was a mild one). My chest felt tight and I was short of breath... it was after hours of course so the next Day I went to the Dr. She said I was definitely wheezing. Well from that point on I just felt like crap up until July 5th. Part of me is wondering if I ended up with pneumonia or something because I got a cold and it felt like it went into my chest. Oh and there was a slight change in my EKG since my physical in January so now I have to have a stress test done on the 14th. I'm supposed to be taking it easy and not doing anything strenuous.... but I have started putting more effort in Zumba again now that I am feeling better. ( I was just walking through the moves for the 2 weeks I didn't feel good).
So that's where I'm at... just working, working out and trying to watch what I eat.
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